TuttleTree.com

Dear Dish Network,

You've got some great stuff going for you: Your customer service and tech support reps are available at all hours of the night — at least, as late as I've ever tried calling; you've got some pretty neat technology — we only need 1 box for two TVs on opposite ends of the house (and that UHF remote is pretty cool too, though it would be nice if both remotes were UHF so that the box could be out of sight…); and you are the cheapest option after promotional deals expire — 'round these parts, at least.

You've also got your faults: You charge us $5 a month for not having a land-line that we can connect to the receiver. Your local field reps (the guy who came to fix my stuff) are nearly unintelligable. I knew he hadn't fixed my problem, but I didn't want him wandering around my house any longer, so I told him it was fine and sent him on his way. I do my best to get through thick accents, but this guys was pea soup.

Well, I guess I'll just come out and say it. You're in danger of losing us as customers. Yesterday was strike two. One more, and you're out.

Strike one came a few weeks ago when our DVR's hard drive developed a bad sector and started having recording and live-tv-buffering issues. Not just any old issues, mind you, but issues that caused loss of an entire recorded episode or a complete freeze while watching live tv… sometimes up to a dozen times in a single day. We waited probably a week while the issues became more frequent and more severe, hoping it would clear up. All the while, not once did you show a message stating that there was a hardware issue that we should phone home for. Working in the tech industry, I understand that these things happen. While it has improved tremendously, hardware still fails from time to time, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

But what you can do is make up for it. You can expedite shipment of my replacement receiver, offer me a credit for time without service on my next bill, and generally just go so "above and beyond" that you turn my negative experience into a positive one that makes me not only happy to be a customer but also willing to espouse my love of your customer service, preaching your goodness to friends, family, and anyone willing to listen.

You did none of these things. In fact, you charged me $15 for shipment of a replacement receiver (which took a full 5 days to arrive), even though the cause for replacement was no fault of my own. There was no way to transfer our recording settings from one receiver to another, so we had to write them down on dead-tree paper and search for them in the guide to painstakingly set up each recording again, individually. We took the opportunity to thin out some of the shows we weren't as enthusiastic about any more, though, so thanks for that I guess.

Strike two was yesterday. When Megan came home from work, the new receiver was stuck in an infinite loop of rebooting itself. I called tech support and once again spoke with a courteous and easy to understand rep, who had me unplug it for 60 seconds (who doesn't try this before calling tech support any more?), and when plugging it back in started the reboot infinite loop back up, she started the process of sending me yet another replacement.

Even after I explained that we just got this receiver, she didn't offer to expedite the shipment (and declined when I asked for it) — again we'll have to wait "3 to 5 business days" for the replacement to arrive. To her credit, she did offer me a "Time without service" credit for the full estimated shipping time of 5 days, which I'm sure will amount to a whopping $2. Honestly, now that I think about it, that's damn near insulting. You might as well not give me the credit, because getting a $2 credit on my bill is just going to show me how little 5 days of my time is worth to you. At least this time they're not charging me $15 to ship the replacement — I probably would have refused if they had tried.

So that's it. You're on thin ice. Screw up again, and you're gone. We'll call Verizon and have FiOS TV installed faster than you can say, "Thank you for being a Dish Network customer."

I received a forwarded email last week that I've been thinking about ever since, and I figured I could turn it into an entry here and get your take on the situation. For me, email forwards go directly in the circular file, with one chance to get my attention along the way: I open the message to confirm that it really is spammy and not just a poorly written subject line. There, you've got less than a second to get my attention — and animaged graphics and neon blue text on a bright pink background is not the way to get it.

This one caught my eye though. I did have to reduce my browser's text size to shrink the text into a readable state, but that's a small price to pay. I guess this one got my attention by being about a subject that I find interesting: the economic stimulus plan and the demise of several huge American-owned and -operated companies.

I'll give you the short version, with my paraphrasing:

The government should bail out American car companies (and we should buy domestic cars) because they are more patriotic or more sympathetic to American tragedies than foreign companies.

The email says that Ford, Chrysler, and GM made huge monetary contributions to the Red Cross and various relief efforts after the 9/11 attacks, and claims that BMW, Daewoo, Fiat, Honda, Isuzu, Mitsubishi, Nissan, Porsche, Subaru, Suzuki, and Toyota made no contributions or even expressions of condolence, despite posting record sales numbers in some cases.

Now, let's set aside the fact that no source was given for any of these numbers. For the sake of argument, let's assume the numbers are as close to correct and factual as they need to be.

Who cares?

Perhaps the reason has nothing to do with their feelings toward Americans or for any political reason at all. Perhaps they just can't afford it. Perhaps they just prefer to stay neutral. When the Tsunami killed tons of people in 2004, I was working at Perdue and we organized a campaign to collect donations and get corporate matching, and gave that to relief efforts. This leads me to believe that Americans are just more likely to give when others are in need. (I don't know how much relief effort there was for Tsunami victims from other world-regions, this is just given as a small example of typical American behavior.)

The big thing for me, though, is the fact that this email neglects to mention is that American car companies are suffering from their own negligence. Car companies have claimed for years to be working on alternative-energy powered cars, and in some cases even introduced and later destroyed them, no doubt in part due to pressure from oil companies (that opinion is based on what I saw in Who Killed the Electric Car?). As long as Americans are buying petroleum-powered cars, the oil companies are making ridiculous profits, and in turn spending some of that money convincing manufacturers to continue building the cars.

The automotive industry, in some small way, is mirroring what's happening to the journalism industry. Newspapers and the nightly news are falling out of favor with the younger generations, making way for the likes of The Huffington Post, Fark, and so on. I, myself, have said that I consider The Daily Show to be one of my primary sources of news — and it's true. Katie Couric was on The Daily Show the other night and admitted that the average age of her viewers is 62! I would bet that she has one of the younger demographics of the evening news shows, too.

Despite an obvious downturn in their market share, newspapers and TV news networks are clawing the ground, trying everything they can do not to be dragged away and thrown on the trash heap. They are a dying breed, and instead of trying to adapt their industry and their offering to be what the new generations want, they are attempting to convince the new generations that they want the old thing, or that the old thing still has more value. We'll see how that works for them. What they don't realize is that consumers are getting smarter all the time, and are always looking for the next big shiny thing. And when you find the next big shiny thing? You leave the last big thing — now small and tarnished — behind.

In my mind, the parallels between these industries need no explanation; but I'll explain here for your benefit. Think back to last summer. Gas prices were the Swine Flu of '08. If you weren't talking about them, you were yesterday's news. In my area, gas reached the — admittedly humble in comparison to some other places — price of nearly $4 per gallon at their worst. And still, what were the predominant commercials on TV? Think Hard.

I'll tell you: Employee pricing. "That's right, now you can get a Hummer H3 for the same astronomical rate we charge our own employees! What do we care how much it costs to drive the thing? We're selling you the car, not the gas!" This was during the popularization of the Toyota Prius, and now both Mitsubishi and the relatively unknown player BYD are introducing plug-in hybrid cars that will be available in 2010 in Japan (no official word on plans for U.S. sales yet) and 2011 in the U.S. respectively. And that's just from a 60 second google search. I would bet there are more on the way.

What has the biggest domestic automaker resposne to the popularization of hybrid cars been? A hybrid Cadillac Escalade. So that now maybe it will approach 20mpg (from its current paltry 10mpg)… something gas powered Hondas and Toyotas have been crushing for a decade. At this rate, you're pretty much just paying extra for a nice little "Hybrid" emblem… if you really cared about the environment, you wouldn't drive an Escalade at all.

In the interest of full disclosure, I drive a Ford pickup truck and Megan drives a Toyota sedan. There's no arguing the versatility of a pickup truck. Everybody knows someone with a truck — because you have to, if you ever want to move or transport stuff. As a matter of fact, I'm supposed to help someone pick up an apple tree pretty soon. I don't like driving a gas guzzler, but I do need a truck. It's been perfect for camping and carting our canoe around… if only it were a little greener. Just like my iPhone conundrum, when hybrids and pickup trucks are combined and road tested, I'll be first in line to get one. In the meantime, we drive my truck as little as possible — trying to get the most out of it that we can, when we have to — and try to take Megans car instead, whenever possible.

So back to the email. Should domestic automakers get your money because they donated to 9/11 relief funds? Hell no — at least, that's my opinion. I'll buy the best product that suits my needs. As long as they keep pushing gas powered cars down our throats and making empty promises about alternative energy cars, I'll keep thinking they're getting what they deserve. What do you think?

It kind of snuck up on me — sorry for the short notice. Tomorrow, June 14th, is World Blood Donor Day. I implore you to put aside your fears and your laziness, and go give the gift of life. It doesn't take much of your free time, in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't hurt all that much, and you usually get juice and cookies to boot. So what are you waiting for? A personal invitation?

And don't fret if you missed it. I'm sure they'll be happy to take your blood anyway. You're just not eligible to be part of the cool-kids-who-donated-blood-on-world-blood-donor-day-club. That's all.

Of course, if you're like me and you can't donate blood for medical reasons, you can always leave a comment and try to find someone to trade you for their good deed. Since my cousin Kevin took me up on that offer, instead of donating blood, I'm going to spend some time tomorrow getting in touch with the American Cancer Society to see how I can help out, for him.

At the very least, you can help spread the word!

The above image, and the PDF it links to are yours to use and modify as you see fit, but if you do post it elsewhere, I would appreciate (but do not require) a link back here. They are my own creation, and the image used was provided to me free of charge with no license, for personal use.