TuttleTree.com

Dear Dish Network,

You've got some great stuff going for you: Your customer service and tech support reps are available at all hours of the night — at least, as late as I've ever tried calling; you've got some pretty neat technology — we only need 1 box for two TVs on opposite ends of the house (and that UHF remote is pretty cool too, though it would be nice if both remotes were UHF so that the box could be out of sight…); and you are the cheapest option after promotional deals expire — 'round these parts, at least.

You've also got your faults: You charge us $5 a month for not having a land-line that we can connect to the receiver. Your local field reps (the guy who came to fix my stuff) are nearly unintelligable. I knew he hadn't fixed my problem, but I didn't want him wandering around my house any longer, so I told him it was fine and sent him on his way. I do my best to get through thick accents, but this guys was pea soup.

Well, I guess I'll just come out and say it. You're in danger of losing us as customers. Yesterday was strike two. One more, and you're out.

Strike one came a few weeks ago when our DVR's hard drive developed a bad sector and started having recording and live-tv-buffering issues. Not just any old issues, mind you, but issues that caused loss of an entire recorded episode or a complete freeze while watching live tv… sometimes up to a dozen times in a single day. We waited probably a week while the issues became more frequent and more severe, hoping it would clear up. All the while, not once did you show a message stating that there was a hardware issue that we should phone home for. Working in the tech industry, I understand that these things happen. While it has improved tremendously, hardware still fails from time to time, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

But what you can do is make up for it. You can expedite shipment of my replacement receiver, offer me a credit for time without service on my next bill, and generally just go so "above and beyond" that you turn my negative experience into a positive one that makes me not only happy to be a customer but also willing to espouse my love of your customer service, preaching your goodness to friends, family, and anyone willing to listen.

You did none of these things. In fact, you charged me $15 for shipment of a replacement receiver (which took a full 5 days to arrive), even though the cause for replacement was no fault of my own. There was no way to transfer our recording settings from one receiver to another, so we had to write them down on dead-tree paper and search for them in the guide to painstakingly set up each recording again, individually. We took the opportunity to thin out some of the shows we weren't as enthusiastic about any more, though, so thanks for that I guess.

Strike two was yesterday. When Megan came home from work, the new receiver was stuck in an infinite loop of rebooting itself. I called tech support and once again spoke with a courteous and easy to understand rep, who had me unplug it for 60 seconds (who doesn't try this before calling tech support any more?), and when plugging it back in started the reboot infinite loop back up, she started the process of sending me yet another replacement.

Even after I explained that we just got this receiver, she didn't offer to expedite the shipment (and declined when I asked for it) — again we'll have to wait "3 to 5 business days" for the replacement to arrive. To her credit, she did offer me a "Time without service" credit for the full estimated shipping time of 5 days, which I'm sure will amount to a whopping $2. Honestly, now that I think about it, that's damn near insulting. You might as well not give me the credit, because getting a $2 credit on my bill is just going to show me how little 5 days of my time is worth to you. At least this time they're not charging me $15 to ship the replacement — I probably would have refused if they had tried.

So that's it. You're on thin ice. Screw up again, and you're gone. We'll call Verizon and have FiOS TV installed faster than you can say, "Thank you for being a Dish Network customer."

Dear Fox, ABC, NBC, CNN, and every other news network,

American Idol is not news. You act like it's some big event every time someone gets voted off, let alone when someone wins the freaking show. (Pardon my french.)

There are plenty of other not-news-worthy things you could cover that I would forgive, like how things are going for Octo-Mom. But seriously. Think about it. It's a TV Gaaaaaame Shoooooow. You don't talk about Ken Jennings any more, but the man is a freaking genius. Sanjaya made it through another week? What an injustice! Surely everyone, everywhere needs to watch a couple of teleprompter-reading news puppets hash it out.

This is the paragraph where I might normally remind you we're fighting two unwinnable wars and our economy is circling the drain faster than a cat can lick its own butt with its tail up and its tongue out… but I think we're past that now, right?

Leave it to TMZ, ok? Because every now and then I might care about American Idol, and they have the intelligence to weed out the stupid stories you spend 10 minutes on (because nobody cares!), and just show the same 30 seconds of drunk Paula Abdul making a fool out of herself on loop for 3 minutes. They get us. Also, it's their job to play trash-tv. Theirs requires them to have low standards. Yours, by contrast, requires some amount of journalistic integrity.

(Sorry to quote Wikipedia, but they made me do it!)

One of the leading voices in the U.S. on the subject of Journalistic Standards and Ethics is the Society of Professional Journalists. The Preamble to its Code of Ethics states:

…public enlightenment is the forerunner of justice and the foundation of democracy. The duty of the journalist is to further those ends by seeking truth and providing a fair and comprehensive account of events and issues. Conscientious journalists from all media and specialties strive to serve the public with thoroughness and honesty. Professional integrity is the cornerstone of a journalist's credibility.

None of this is to slight American Idol itself, or people who watch it. We choose not to watch it, but we respect that it's your choice whether or not you'll watch it just the same. Still, you have to agree it's a bit ridiculous to cover it on the news…

Let me apologize first. I'm going to have to use some language here that honestly I wouldn't say in front of… well, at least not in front of my in-laws or extended family. Sorry about that. Well, it finally happened. The moment has come where I said the phrase, "kids these days" after not understanding what has probably become the common vernacular. I always felt that I was hip to the modern lingo, but apparently not. Apparently I'm a 90 year old codger shaking my fist at the hippies with their damned rock music. (See also: Osteoperosis) We recently saw the movie Juno, (which I highly recommend) wherein the title character remarks, "use a dick!" in response to her step-mother telling off an ultrasound technician who made an off-color comment about Juno giving her baby to an adoptive family (because she is so young). I get the sentiment (…I think). I even agree (that is, if I'm correct about the sentiment). But I couldn't help but think… what? Maybe instead of "use" she actually said, "you's"? That would kind of make more sense, I guess. Either way, between this and the Osteoperosis, I am feeling pretty old today.